One day I counted your fingers and kissed each one.
One day the first snowflakes fell, and I held you up and watched them melt on your baby skin.
One day we crossed the street, and you held my hand tight.
Then, you were my baby, and now you are my child.
Sometimes, when you sleep, I watch you dream, and I dream too…..
That someday you will dive into the cool, clear water of a lake.
Someday you will walk into a deep wood.
Someday your eyes will be filled with a joy so deep that they shine.
Someday you will run so fast and so far your heart will feel like fire.
Someday you will swing high - so high, higher than you ever dared to swing.
Someday you will hear something so sad that you will fold up with sorrow.
Someday you will call a song to the wind, and the wind will carry your song away.
Someday I will stand on this porch and watch your arms waving to me until I no longer see you.
Someday you will look at this house and wonder how something that feels so big can look so small.
Someday you will feel a small weight against your strong back.
Someday I will watch you brushing your child's hair.
Someday, a long time from now, you own hair will glow silver in the sun.
And when that day comes, love, you will remember me.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
As I read these words to Ruby last night I was drawn to tears. My emotion was palpable. Her reaction to this was precious and a testament to how innocent and loving she is. Through a shaky voice and teary eyes, I tried to continue. Ruby pushed back, looked at me and said, "what's the matter mommy?" what are you doing, crying?". You could tell that she really didn't get it. Why on earth did my mom break down in tears right now? She was clearly perplexed but before I could answer she put her arm around me with a squeeze, kissed me so gently on the cheek and said, "it's ok mommy". This of course brought on more tears and a little laughter as I tried to brush off my silly little breakdown. Or, was it silly? The words in that book touched me. The truth is, I find myself very often these days just trying to survive from one day to the next. We've made it successfully though the parental death march of sippy cups and diapers, but we have so much further to go. In that moment last night, I was reminded how important these early days are. I want to make the most of them and not waste time being resentful for all the times I had wanted to go to the gym and couldn't. All the runs and bike rides I missed. For all the dates we didn't have. All the places we couldn't go. We're working on a very big project here and only get one kick at the can. This isn't a dress rehearsal after all. When Ruby sits down on her porch someday, wearing a pink scarf with the wind blowing her silver hair, how will she remember me?
You make me very proud.
I hope to return the favour.
ox
